Saturday, 28 February 2015 14:51

Smoking And A Young Husband

Written by 
Rate this item
(0 votes)


I'm supposed to get married in a few weeks and I'm so stressed out I don't know where to start.
I am struggling to give up smoking before the wedding.  My fiancé knows I am a smoker and he does not smoke, but thinks it is very romantic for me to smoke.  I desperately want to give up smoking because I don’t want him to start and I don’t want to be seen as a bad influence on him.  I have tried everything to give up, and it has left me angry instead of happy.

My fiancé is 24 and I'm 48.  We met over a year ago on a Christian dating site.  I wasn't looking for a younger man but he was looking for an older woman and we just connected from the beginning.  I did not even want to sign up for the dating website but some friends talked me into it.  My husband died in an accident over ten years ago.  I thought that I would never get a chance at such happiness again, but this is working so well.

My fiancé has been saving himself for marriage.  Our Christian faith is important to both of us.  I've only had sex with my late husband and never again after he passed.  I am concerned that our first experience will not meet with his expectations, and if it does, what about the second time?


I am always amazed at how our actions speak louder than our words.

Do you know why you are still smoking?  Because you need that smoke screen to hide the things that you do not want to confront in yourself.

You have made rules to regulate the things that you do not want to face, and the rules are failing - some before you have even applied them.

Love is a very deep feeling.  Cigarettes are made of paper and tobacco.  Love is not a cigarette. The absence of a cigarette does not guarantee love.

And the same with sex.  Sex is a physical act that gets more meaningful when you love the person that you have sex with.  Sex is not a test that you can pass or fail.  And sex is not love.

It feels to me like you have doubts about your marriage, and rather than acknowledge those doubts, you smoke and blame the cigarette.  How about facing those doubts before you commit to a lifetime with this man?  If he loves you it would not matter to him whether you smoke or not.

Here are two scenarios:

·         You are marrying a man who is your soul mate.  You want to share the rest of your life with a man who can and will be your equal partner in this marriage and in some ways you even look up to him.  Physically there is an age difference, but emotionally and mentally you are on the same level. You recognize him as an old soul in a young body, and that makes the age difference irrelevant.  You also recognize that he is mature enough to make his own decisions, including whether he wants to smoke or not.

·         You are marrying a boy half your age and it feels really good because it makes you feel younger than you are.  You want to be a good parent and a good wife, and you want to guide him so that he makes the right choices now and in the future.  You do not want to be described as a bad influence, especially because you are the older one with the most life experience, and it is your task to help your husband grow up.  Ten years from now, he will be in his mid-thirties and you will be over 60 and you will still feel obliged to set a good example to a nice boy who happens to also be your husband.


Which scenario is the one that applies to you?  Be honest.  That is what you need to resolve in your mind before you become this man's wife.  If you don't you will struggle to keep your marriage vows and you will both be unhappy.

If you love him, you would not need to prove it by going without cigarettes.  I am not saying for a moment that it is OK to smoke - I am sure you are aware of all the dangers.

What I am saying is stop hiding behind your smokescreen and be honest with yourself.  Once you have done that, I would not be surprised if you actually forget to smoke.

You are a brave woman and you will face your deepest fears and move on - you have to if you want to be happily married, and you also have to if you decide to not marry this man.

Either way, you will survive.

To read more about dealing with relationship issues:

Click here if you are in the UK.


 Click here if you are outside the UK.

Read 1457 times Last modified on Saturday, 28 February 2015 15:22
Elsabe Smit

Elsabe Smit is a well-known author, clairvoyant, and public speaker.

Elsabe helps people to understand the mysteries of life and Love, so that they can regain control of their lives. What would you like to resolve?

K2Store Currency

£ R $

Latest Reviews

  • Suzie - North East
    My first reading with Elsabe today 20.08 - it was facinating as I didn't ask…
  • L - UK
    I thought Elsabe was wonderful on the show today-Her text answer was extremely accurate-I have…
Go to top