This is a challenging situation because it goes against the norm. People would expect a woman to leave her marriage and by default take the children with her.
However, let us not look for right or wrong and be the judge of a situation that we are not part of.
The underlying issue in this relationship is security. You do not feel secure in the relationship. You do not feel secure outside of the relationship either. However, you do feel that you need to leave the marriage if you are to grow and survive.
Going against the norm requires a lot of courage, because people judge very easily.
So how do you prepare yourself for this big step before taking it? How do you protect your children against any potential back-lash and potential emotional upheaval?
There will be emotional upheaval anyway, and the children will experience a sense of loss. They will also experience other strong emotions such as anger and perhaps feeling abandoned.
You need to first find self-love before you make your move.
Ending a marriage often results in a feeling of failure. People often have the fantasy of a marriage ‘till death do us part’, and if the reality looks different, it means that you have failed. The truth is that any relationship has a natural life cycle. When the relationship reaches that natural end, not recognizing the end and holding on to the relationship for dear life would mean failure. Not letting go would also mean daily emotional pain, especially if one partner moves on and the other partner holds on to the fantasy.
What difference will self-love make? It will make a world of difference for everyone.
If you can discover and recognize your ‘good’ traits, then they will start to balance out your ‘bad’ traits. For example, let’s say you feel like a complete failure as a mother, because you do not have a natural mother’s instinct. You want to leave your children behind because you feel that they are better cared for by your husband.
What if this is a relief for your husband, who is frustrated by the fact that you do not conform to the norm? What if your husband is by nature much more caring and affectionate than you and he does not want or expect you to change?
There is a human and traditional rule that says all mothers MUST feel an instinct to take care of their young. However, we all know mothers who on the surface fulfill that role, but they are physically and emotionally cruel to their children.
You want to turn your back on tradition and follow your heart. You know that your husband is a far better caregiver than you will ever be, and you are willing to leave the relationship so that you can make space for him. You are doing this in the interest of your children – and this is far better than staying in the relationship, being desperately unhappy and creating a very stressful environment for the children. If you can find love of yourself, you will be able to relax about your decision.
This will have an immediate positive impact on your children, because they will intuitively feel that you are all right and they do not need to be concerned about you. It will also have an impact on your marriage relationship, because it will bring clarity in a situation that must also be quite stressful for your husband.
Once you are able to accept your decision in the interest of everyone, you will be able to leave the situation without any self-blame. Your children will benefit from seeing you when you are happy, and they will be able to build up a different relationship with you with less expectation and less stress.
You also need to remember that your children as well as your husband have a soul contract with you, that you all entered into before any of you were born. You are now living that soul contract. If you feel strongly enough that you need to leave the marriage to continue with your life and only see your children occasionally, then is that not far better than remaining in a situation that is highly stressful?
Would the people who stand ready to judge you rather see you destroying yourself with for example an addiction that is far more destructive for you, your husband and you children?
Love does not necessarily mean living under the same roof. Love means accepting and loving yourself, so that you have Love to give to others.
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