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Sunday, 21 June 2015 11:23

How Do I Break Away From My Parents?

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Question:

I have recently turned 20 and moved out of my parents’ home because I could not stand staying there any longer.

My parents are always fighting about money, but I can see how they cause their own money troubles.  My dad has been unemployed for a long time and he smokes weed to relieve his stress.  He can come up with the craziest things, and then gets frustrated and embarrassed, which makes it very difficult to speak to him. 

My mom has a job that she hates, and she drinks two bottles of wine every night to deal with her stress.  I work as a waiter and I have seen people sharing a bottle of wine and having a good time.  I can see my mother does not have a good time – she drinks because she does not want to face her problems.  When I try to talk to her, she says it is her money and she will do as she pleases.

My sisters dose themselves with prescription drugs and drink and smoke weed.  I think they have also already tried crystal meth.  I have tried to talk to them but they say if our parents can do it, why can’t they?

I don’t want you to think I am judging them.  I have experimented with drugs and weed, but one day I had an experience where I felt God was reaching out to me and I just knew this was not what I wanted in my life.  Now I will only take medication if the doctor prescribed it and there is no other way.

Even though I no longer live at home, I am really stressed about my family.  Despite everything I love them and I know I can’t change them, but I want the best for them.

Can you help me?

Answer:

You are a very brave man. I am happy for you that you have had your ‘God-moment’ where you realized that your life has meaning and you do not want to destroy that meaning with drugs and drink.

I learned long ago that people who have these addictions want to destroy a part of themselves, and that is the motivation for the addiction.  They hate that part of themselves so much that they will do anything to destroy it.  They do not realize that in the process they destroy every part of themselves.

Your parents and your sisters have that pain inside of themselves that they are not ready to face. You have a similar pain, caused by their behavior, but the difference is that you do want to face your pain and that is why you wrote this request for help.

Our first instinct is to judge p:eople who cause us so much pain.  However, the first commandment in the Bible (even before the Ten Commandments) says "You are not allowed to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil".  To me that means "You have no right or reason to judge other people, because you have no idea what is happening in their lives"

So if we have no right to judge them to make us feel better, how do we deal with it? At the moment you feel much emotional pain and stress because you focus on the negative aspects of their behavior.

Have you ever thought about the positive outcomes of their behavior? I want you to make a list of all the bad things about your mother.  It would be good if you can list at least 30 bad things.  When you have done that, list the same number of good things about her. You will have to search old memories and recall stuff that you have forgotten, but you will find those good points.  Do not stop until you have an equal number of good and bad things you can say about her (and do not cheat by deleting some of the bad things when it gets a bit challenging to find the good things!)  

The result will be that you will realize how your mother's behavior has changed you for the better, and has helped you to become the person you are now.  You will be able to thank her from the bottom of your heart for the valuable things she has taught you, which you have not realized until now. Then you do the same exercise for your father, and for each of your sisters.

People behave in ways that we find really hurtful, until we realize that they are in fact our greatest teachers in life.  Somehow, when we reach that realization, they stop their behavior without us even saying a word to them, because at an invisible level they understand that they have achieved their purpose with you and you have learned what you needed to learn from them. Heal this division in yourself, and the healing will impact your entire family.

Blessings to you, brave man ;-)

Read 1054 times Last modified on Tuesday, 07 February 2017 09:19
Elsabe Smit

Elsabe Smit is a well-known author, clairvoyant, and public speaker.

Elsabe helps people to understand the mysteries of life and Love, so that they can regain control of their lives. What would you like to resolve?

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