to let my sister commit suicide. It feels like God saw how damaged our family was, and then returned to step on us again, walking away laughing.
I loathe myself for becoming as angry as my dad, and I suffer from depression as a result. It feels like no matter how hard I try, one door after another closes for me while they open for people with far less character than I have.
I am at a point where I want to scream whenever I hear about God, angels, love and any of that meaningless nonsense that religion is based on.
God has stripped me of my self-belief and confidence, and I have done nothing to deserve that. Who needs the devil when you can have such a God?
I have heard all the stuff about everything having a meaning, but I am not interested in that meaning. All I want is for my family to be OK again. Why can't God just grant us that?
Thank you for your question. I can feel your pain (no, it is not a cliché. I am psychic and therefore feel your pain as if it is my own). This does not need to continue.
As you read my response, you will discover many things that will probably be new to you. All I ask is: read through it a number of times, and if you still have questions, please write again and ask them.
I will not quote to you from the Bible, because I don't think the Bible contains much useful information. I am not a Christian, so my views and answers are probably different from what you have heard until now. I do not subscribe to any organized religion.
You were brought up to believe in God. You had a view of a kind, loving God. From reading your question, it feels like you still want to believe that there is a God, and that God is kind and loving. At the same time you want to be angry at God for what has happened to you. It is OK to be angry at God, but it is not OK to let that anger eat away at you and ruin your life.
You have reached a point where you are ready to let go of the anger, but you are not sure how to do it and what to have in the place of the anger. And guess what? If at this point you do not want to hear anything about God, it is also OK. If that is the case, then read the rest of my message and change the word God to anything else that is neutral for you, e.g. belief or basis or whatever.
There is a difference between God and religion. There are many religions, and each one has its own unbendable view of what is right and what is wrong, and what to do to fix what is wrong. For me, a very important lesson was to learn that religion is not God, and God is not religion. You were an altar boy. I would suggest that you make a list of everything you learned while you were an altar boy. You are much older and wiser now. Take what you found useful and true from your altar boy days and keep it. Take what did not make sense or what was hurtful or misleading or negative in any way from your altar boy days, and throw it into the bin. You can make that decision and it will give you some peace of mind. And you will not go to hell if you use your common sense to do this.
The problem many of us experience is that we are born into a particular culture which often includes religion. During our formative years, when we are supposed to learn useful things to help us learn our eternal lessons, we believe everything our parents say. They tell us to go to church because they have received a specific upbringing and they believe what they do is right. We cannot blame them for that, because they see what they teach us as a duty of love. However, we can and do get to a point where we question what our parents and the church have taught us.
You are now at the point where you have those questions, and I am really glad that you have reached out and asked. For some people the church provides answers and they are happy. For others, they realize that the church has a specific agenda and the answers provided by the church do not help them at all. That is where they get disillusioned with everything related to the church, including God. And the situation gets worse when they do not know where else to turn for answers.
I can understand your frustration about the 'you will become stronger through this' answer, which means nothing if you do not understand why and how. Here is my explanation - which I have proven with many clients and with science.
There really is such a thing as eternity. The churches preach this, but they do not like to be questioned about the meaning of eternity. For me, eternity is a dimension where time and space does not exist. It is not heaven. It is not hell. It just is. That is where we come from. When we die, we return to eternity. We do not go to heaven or to hell, and we do not need to repent for any supposed sins. It is like changing from one set of clothes to another, invisible set of clothes. We really are on an eternal journey, and this lifetime is a part of the journey.
We came from eternity to this earth because we want to learn particular things about ourselves. We have specific experiences and we have interactions with people and the sole aim is to learn about ourselves. Once we have learnt everything, we return to eternity until we are ready for the next set of lessons.
What are these lessons? Each one of us have individual experiences, because we are all different and unique. Your particular lessons relate to your experience with your parents and your friend who died.
Will you become stronger when you learn the lessons? Of course you will - that is the reason why you are here. But that does not help you much if you do not understand the lessons.
There is not enough space here to give you a complete explanation of how these lessons work. However, I can give you two practical suggestions:
The first sounds very simple, but it is incredibly powerful.
Get yourself an A4 exercise book. Set your alarm for half an hour earlier than usual every morning.
When you wake up - before you even get out of bed - write three pages in that book. Write whatever is in your mind at that time and do not question it. If you do not know what to write next, then write 'I do not know what to write next' until the next thought comes into your mind.
There are a few rules you have to follow.
Do this when you wake up and before you do anything else. Here is the reason. You have a little censor inside of your head. That censor says things like "Oh, no, you cannot write that. What will people say?" That censor likes to sleep and is only awake when you are awake. When you wake up, your brain waves are still in a dream state - it takes you a while to wake up completely. In that half-sleep, half-dream state your censor is still asleep and you can write without fear of interference.
Do not tell anyone that you are doing this. What you write is a conversation between yourself and yourself. The moment anyone else knows about this, there is the possibility that they may want to know what you write, and that wakes up your censor.
Write only three pages every day. If you write less, you will not feel the power of what you do. If you write more, you are wide awake and the exercise loses its power. If you don't know what to write, then write exactly that until the next thought comes.
DO NOT read anything you have written for at least the first two months. What is important is not what you write, but the fact that you write. After two months you can read the notes if you want to, or destroy them, or put them away to read later.
You could expect to get quite emotional initially when you do this writing. Hang in there and accept the emotion. Part of healing yourself is getting rid of those strong emotions.
As you write, you can expect your handwriting to change - bigger or smaller, more or less legible. That is normal. You can expect to write questions and then write the answers as well. At times the answers will look strange to you, and at times they will contain the truths that you are looking for. Just keep writing - and trust me, it works.
The second is to browse my website. There are many articles that may help you to get some answers.
I can write a lot more, but I feel this will get you on your way. Please feel free to raise your questions as you go along.